He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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