can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
