i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
