I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
