So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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