I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
