i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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