I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
