yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
