nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
