so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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