if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
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