she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
