just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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