I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
