there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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