We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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