just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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