Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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