I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
