Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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