dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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