it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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