I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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