turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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