the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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