pop tarts are not kleenex
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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