im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
