Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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