I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
