How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
