"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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