my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
