I never want to see another naked old woman again.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
