Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
