somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
