Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
