Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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