I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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