The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
