i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
