We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
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I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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