He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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