After last night, I could never be a politician.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
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I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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