He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
