Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
