toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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