Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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