I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
