does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
