Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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