My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can't turn off my feet"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
