I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
