you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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