The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
