haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
