we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.