my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
