Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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