he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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