how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
